(Originally published September 17, 2013)

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I work at an Orthodox Jewish school and I heard the cutest story the other day.

My Jewish coworker was at the neighborhood grocery store (which has an extensive selection of kosher food because of the Jewish population in the area) and she overheard a Mexican woman saying numerous times to her kids, “No, it’s not kosher!”

Curious, my coworker approached the woman and asked if she was Jewish. The woman looked at her and was kinda’ confused by the question until she realized why my coworker might be asking. Then she laughed and said, “No, I’m not Jewish but I noticed since shopping here that when Jewish kids beg their moms for something they can’t have, the moms say, “No, it’s not kosher.” I noticed how often this phrase stopped the Jewish kids from continuing to ask, so I started using the same line on my kids and it works every time!”

How awesome is that?! That’s one smart mom!

(Originally posted September 16, 2013)

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As I was walking my dogs this evening I was listening to an inspirational audio recording and here’s a statement that jumped out at me:

“You can’t think yourself into a new way of action,  you have to act yourself into a new way of thinking.”

I don’t personally know what he’s talking about, as I’ve never tried to think myself into a new way of action (she says with dripping sarcasm…).

I flash back to just a couple months ago when I was soliciting my mom’s advice about the various popular methods of weight loss I could try:

• Weight Watchers?
• Biggest Loser Online?
• Join a gym?
• BodyMedia or other such tracking device that helps me monitor calories in and calories out?
• Overeaters’ Anonymous?
• DVDs I can do at home?
• Maybe I just need the right book?

Do you know how long I sat around thinking about how best to lose weight and get in shape? And can you guess how well that worked?!

I was trying to think myself into a new way of action!! Ever heard someone say, “If you’re thinking, you’re stinking”? Boy was the stench around me getting out of hand!

Then something shifted. I took the easy route and thought about someone in my life (and more specifically in my neighborhood) who has what I desire: the ability to maintain a healthy weight without agonizing about it. And what does she do? She walks her dog every morning around the lake.

I used to walk my dog every morning around the lake…and I loved it. Okay, done. So I took the action required–I started getting up an hour earlier and walking around the lake every morning. And I LOVE IT! It has completely transformed my thinking!

Now I’ve got all kinds of energy and my mind is once again open to possibilities that just didn’t seem possible when I was so busy thinking so hard about how I might possibly just a little bit be able to change something in my life maybe. I remember once again that all things are possible…and I remember that no dream is too big!

So without even realizing it, I acted myself into a new way of thinking!

Anything you’re thinking about changing in your life?

Any chance this post has inspired you to TAKE ACTION instead? (And just a little bit of action counts, BTW, to get you started–action begets action!)

If you lived in my ‘hood, I’d invite you to come for a walk with me and my dogs…I’d even share an ear bud with you…

(Originally posted September 15, 2014)

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I rarely get bored, but it does happen. Recently, after watching the complete series of The Unit, then launching immediately into season one of Orange Is the New Black, and then reading three books in two weeks, I realized I might be using these things as distractions from the fact that my life had become pretty boring.

I’ve been living on a very tight budget because I’ve been paying down my debt with gazelle intensity (and if you get that reference, you follow the teachings of Dave Ramsey). I’m only a few months out from being totally debt-free and while waiting out these last few months, I’d become the stereotypical robotron American: Get up, go to work, come home, watch television, go to bed, get up, and do it all again tomorrow.

This was never the life I desired and yet it was the life I’d been choosing.

I’m overweight, but I’ve got five hours to watch shows every night that I’m obsessed with (when I could be moving my body)? I’m flat broke because I’m fighting my way out of the death grip of debt, yet I’ve got five hours every night to watch shows that I’m obsessed with (when I could be doing something to generate extra income)?

If you can relate to any of this, here’s a great tool you can use to shift your reality immediately:

Ask, “What could I change today that would add to my life and living right away?”

Sounds too simple, doesn’t it? Please don’t dismiss it because of its simplicity! Here’s what changed for me when I started asking this question:

I started walking my dogs for an hour every morning (good for me, good for the dogs, GREAT way to start every day).

Once walking the dogs every morning became normal (i.e., a habit), I started asking the question again. Then I saw an ad for Hip Hop Abs and thought, “Wow! That looks fun!” I started doing it 3 to 5 times per week in the evenings because it’s a blast and I realized how much my body desires movement after a long day of sitting in front of a computer at work.

As simple as it sounds, ask this question regularly (in your head, out loud, sing it in the shower…whatever works for you!) and then be on the lookout for answers.

How will you know your question has been answered?

Because when you think about that thing, you’ll experience a full-body YES!! You will have no doubt. The thought of it might put a smile on your face. Or you might find you want to pick up the phone and tell your best friend about it. Or your body might do an involuntary little dance. Believe me, you’ll know…

(Originally posted September 14, 2013)

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Meet Sweet Man Chester (my soul cat, love of my life):

All of Chester’s dreams came true at the end of April when he finally got the cat door he’d been asking for. (I had to be creative with installation because I rent and probably shouldn’t cut through doors or walls.):

This is a super fancy cat door that reads Chester’s microchip and ONLY lets him in.

…Unless a mouse hitches a ride in his mouth, as happened today.

I’m sitting on the couch, minding my own business, when I see Chester walk proudly into the room with a mouse in his mouth (say that ten times fast!).

As his title implies, Sweet Man Chester is not a cold-blooded killer. He’s more interested in making friends with mice and playing with them than killing them.

But I have one other cat and two dogs (one of whom is a terrier mix and LOVES killing small creatures).

Luckily, Chester releases the mouse right next to the teddy bear lying on my living room floor (dog toy). Smart mouse hides underneath teddy bear. All four animals surround the bear in full crouch, whispering excitedly to each other, wondering what the mouse’s next move will be and anticipating an afternoon filled with mouse-chasing fun. Until Mom steps in to put the kibosh on all the merriment…

This is the mouse once I’ve trapped him (like I would a spider) inside a Whole Foods deli container. (Spoiler alert: no animals were harmed in the creation of this blog post.)

This is Princess’s reaction after I take the mouse outside:

“Where’s the mouse?”

Chester immediately goes back outside to search for more mice (or maybe that same one):

I express a deep, self-satisfied sigh, knowing that it’s much easier to release a living mouse back into the wild than to perform a burial ceremony for a dead mouse.

Live on, mouse, and please don’t hitch any more rides with Chester–no matter how he tries to lure you into his mouth.

(Originally posted September 13, 2013)

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My nephew Calen loves to play with his action figures. He holds a good guy in one hand and a bad guy in the other hand and he creates fascinating sound effects while he slams them into each other in a war of almost-equals:

PSHEW! FFFZZZZ! Yaaaah!! POW! Bang! BOOM!

And at the end he always announces the winner: “X guy versus Y guy: Y guy wins!” And then he finds another pair to duke it out.

And so must we sometimes duke it out with funks. Call it a funk, call it a downward spiral…we’ve all probably been there at some point.

Maybe you’ve been eating poorly, which drags your energy down,

so then you don’t want to exercise, which drags your energy down,

and then you sleep way too much, which drags your energy down,

and then you need to eat more sugar and drink more coffee to artificially boost your lack of energy.

Then you notice your clothes not fitting right and you feel bloated,

so you console yourself with more sugar/salt/carbs/coffee

…and on it goes until something stops the cycle.

The rabbit hole…it’s so deep and so dark! What could possibly stop the momentum of the downward spiral?!

Would you believe me if I said it could be as easy as successfully implementing one new habit?

I know, it sounds like crazy talk…and it absolutely works! For just over a month now I’ve been walking my dogs every morning around the huge park in my neighborhood. It takes between 45 minutes and an hour to walk the entire park.

At first it seemed like it took a lot of energy to do the walk.

After only a couple of weeks, I started noticing that the walks were boosting my energy–right away and throughout the rest of the day.

By re-acclimating my body to movement, I found that I then desired to move more during the rest of the day.

I also noticed a marked improvement in the nutritional quality of my meals

and I started drinking way more water than I had been (because I was once again noticing my thirst signals).

And so…with the addition of ONE NEW HABIT to my day, I was able to reverse the downward spiral!!

If you don’t believe it, try it yourself. You could create the habit of only going to bed once the kitchen is clean…or once you’ve finished your blog post for the night. Maybe it’s that you eat one salad every day as part of your lunch, or you begin each day with a nutritious smoothie. Maybe it’s simply that you make your bed in the morning upon rising.

Maybe your bedroom is a disaster because you leave clothes lying everywhere after having a hard time making a fashion choice for the day…So perhaps you could make it a habit to only go to bed after you’ve put all the clothes away.

Here’s the key: Don’t bite off more than you can chew! Don’t set yourself up for failure by trying to change everything in your life all at once. Start with one new habit and watch how the dominoes will begin to fall…

Downward Spiral Versus New Habit: NEW HABIT WINS!!

(Originally posted September 12, 2013)

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Here’s my favorite quote from the Week One workout of Jillian Michaels’ Ripped in 30 DVD (which, if you’re lucky, you can hear above the sound of your own panting):

When you bring everything you have to every situation…that’s where the magic happens. It doesn’t have to be perfect! Perfect sucks! Perfect is boring! You know what matters? You matter! It matters that you give it all that you have.

How often do you not start something because you know there’s more you need to learn or more you need to practice or more you need to polish before you’ll take it live and go public?

Ever tried to learn a language but been too afraid of sounding like an idiot to actually practice speaking that language? That was my experience of living in Madrid, Spain, for a semester during college. I thought if I just heard it more and read it more, I’d finally get it. Guess what? I was wrong and I was being a wuss. I was too afraid to put myself on the line and be vulnerable to the learning process. And guess what? I still suck at speaking Spanish!

Now, many years later, I work in an environment in which I’m surrounded every day by coworkers speaking English, Yiddish, and Hebrew all bundled together in one sentence. What would that be? Hebrish? I’m always mispronouncing words, being corrected, and then repronouncing words, and then maybe later needing another reminder of how to pronounce that same word…

And you know what?

I’m learning so much faster and I’m having so much more fun!

I no longer put insane pressure on myself to be perfect. And what’s even better is that I now realize I’m contributing to those around me because they get a kick out of hearing me try and they get a kick out of helping me learn. They feel honored that I would care enough to want to learn (because it is in no way a requirement of my job).

My goal for the next 90 days is to blog EVERY SINGLE DAY. And although in the past that would have seemed totally impossible and unreasonable, I now KNOW this is something I can do and have a great time doing.

I know that anything I don’t already know about blogging, I can learn as I go. Because now I know that I don’t have to be perfect. Now I know that, as Jillian so eloquently stated in her badass tone of voice,

“Perfect is boring!”

Where are you holding back in your life because you’re unwilling to seem foolish? What makes you so special that you think you can (or should) avoid showing that you’re on a learning curve…while learning something new?!

When toddlers learn to walk they don’t berate themselves every time they fall. They aren’t even fazed. So let’s all go out there and learn something new

and NOT BE FAZED by the bumps and the bruises and the hilarity that ensues!

I’d love for you to join me as often as you can during the next 90 days. And I’d love to hear what you’re learning and how your process is being enhanced by LETTING GO OF PERFECT!

 

 

In late March I had the privilege of driving to Albuquerque, NM, to share in the wedding celebration of two of my favorite people: Kristen and Allen. They live in Chicago, where they’d already had two or three celebrations, and their final wedding hurrah was in Albuquerque so that Allen’s lifelong friends and family could join in the fun.

Although I intended to speak at the reception, time was kinda’ limited and I didn’t get a chance. Hence this blog post. It’s my belated declaration of love for Kristen and Allen.

Kristen and I have known each other since junior year of high school, which puts us close to 20 years of friendship. During those high school years Kristen couldn’t get rid of me. I seem to remember being at her house almost every day. I thought of myself as her “study break” because, from my slacker point of view, she studied way too much!

I remember things as brush strokes of colors and feelings, which means that my past is a blurry haze…and this makes it difficult to share stories about people. Mostly what I know is that my love for Kristen is ever-deepening and ever-expanding. Time is of no consequence for us.

This is what else I know: Kristen’s body seems to house the sun—she is radiant and brilliant in all ways. She’s an inherently happy and energetic person, thirsty for every last drop of life. She’s fueled by the renewable energy of her own creativity. I love to hear about the 20 or so projects she has going on at any time. And did I mention that her brain is as brilliant as her beauty? Yep, she’s kind of a genius…electrical engineering…I never understand what she’s talking about but I love to hear about her work anyway. Just the mention of her name makes me happy; her energy is contagious. And she gives great hugs. And she’s an amazing photographer; she really captures the essence of her subject. And she’s incredibly kind and generous. And she’s a devoted mother without losing her own identity. Need. to. take. a. breath…

And then there’s Allen. I LOVE Allen. From the moment I met him, I felt like I’d known him forever. He has this giant heart energy that brings tears to my eyes when I think of him. He’s an umbrella there to give cover, solid earth upon which to rest, cool water in which to bathe on a hot day, that first gulp of air when surfacing from under water.

When he walked into the room with Kristen on his arm at their wedding reception, the love and pride emanating from him was palpable. It brought tears to my eyes and took my breath away for a moment. Later Allen paid tribute to his late father, hardly able to get the words out between sobs. It was such a beautiful and vulnerable display of affection—and it made me love him even more.

And while I could go on and on about Allen’s specific attributes, like how handsome he is, how metro, how tidy, how thoughtful, how reliable…it just doesn’t do enough to describe the phenomenal man he is. Therefore, I will stick with metaphor. And I will continue to hope that someday the technology will exist to clone him so that I can have an Allen of my own.

And guess what? Kristen is pregnant! A new baby will enter the world soon to be enveloped in the love of Allen, Kristen, and Ella. That’s one lucky baby!

And to Allen’s friends and family: Thank you for the warm welcome, it meant the world to me.

It could absolutely be said that Rebecca and I had it easy. We didn’t have kids or assets to fight over and there was no “bad guy.” But even an “easy” divorce is still a massive life change. To ensure smooth waters, here’s a DO and a DON’T (with more to come in further posts).

DO

Utilize your support systems. Those friendships you’ve been cultivating all these years? Yeah, those. Use them! Let your friends and family support you in whatever way you require. If you don’t know what you require, let your friends offer you what they will. For example, my mom sent me a teddy bear so I’d have something to hold at night; it was such a sweet gesture and certainly not one I would have thought to ask for (I’m kinda’ low maintenance and would have just held a pillow).

“Distractor friends” are those who don’t know what to say or don’t want to get caught in the middle so they take you out drinking or to a movie or to a concert—anything that will prevent you from sharing your feelings. These friends are a gift! They’ll help pull you out of the comfort of your funk, if only for moments, and remind you that life is still happening all around you. “Empathic friends” are those who feel what you’re feeling. These are the friends who will just look you in the eye or hug you and you’ll melt into a puddle of tears because you can see in their eyes that they get it. These are the friends you can cry with and act out with and be crazy with because they’ll just stay by your side and hold you (literally or energetically). “Loyal friends” are the ones who insist on taking your side—even if there is no war and there are no sides. And though said friends might actually be taking both sides, their objective is to let you know that someone has your back. Even while laughing at how cute they are, accept their loyalty. Let them support you as they will.

I offer this bit of advice because my housemates (friends who took me in as a renter for a year while I figured out my next steps) had to sit me down and remind me that I had a whole network of friends I wasn’t utilizing for support—including them. It was an eye-opening intervention.

DON’T

Play the blame game. Lose the B and the blame game becomes the lame game. There’s a reason for that: it’s lame to play the blame game! Do I really even need to elaborate on this one? Relationships require both parties. “It takes two to tango.” “There are two sides to every story.” You get the drift, yes? If you need to have a blaming fit or two, do it with an empathic friend—not your ex! (And not with a distractor friend because she doesn’t want to hear it and not with a loyal friend because he’ll never forgive your ex for whatever you’re spewing.)

And here’s another big piece of this: you might also consider taking it easy on yourself! If you find that every thought comes back to something you did wrong, you’re just positioned at the self-blame end of the spectrum. What if, while going through such a tremendous time of change, you stopped the madness of self-blame and instead chose to be kind to yourself? I know it’s kinda’ radical, but your body (especially your heart) will thank you. (In another post I’ll elaborate more on how much it hurts our bodies when we judge/blame ourselves.)

These are just a couple simple things that can make a big difference while going through a divorce or breakup. What if it really is possible to choose “ease”—even in matters that nobody would ever think could be easy?

It’s Valentine’s Day. Did you see the movie? It was actually kinda’ cute. I think it would be a fun tradition to have an “I hate Valentine’s Day party” every year. But then, I like any excuse for a party. Superbowl? Sure, let’s party! Oscars? Sure, let’s party! Doesn’t mean I care about football or who the Academy finds worthy; doesn’t mean I hate Valentine’s Day. I remember as a kid the excruciating anticipation of wondering if I’d get a Valentine from whichever kid I had a crush on at the time. Actually, I was more preoccupied about whether the message would be personalized for me or just a simple name signed on the back. It was amazing how much meaning, even then, I could read into just a few short words…and how much meaning I could infuse into the cards I gave. And best of all: I loved transforming shoe boxes into little sacred temples of Valentine receivingness!

Now it’s a text from a friend, a FaceBook broadcast, maybe even an actual card. The package from my mom got lost in the mail this year–no candy for me. I’ll get myself a latte to compensate.

Some call today “Single People Awareness Day.” I think it’s also just as much “Coupled People Awareness Day.” I admire all those folks out there in relationship land, trudging through the ups and downs of being with another person. And until I can speak of relationships without using the word “trudging,” I think it best to stay out of one! For now it’s remarkably easy and comfortable to be single. It’s easy to hide out in my cute little apartment and think very abstractly about the possibility of dating.

I was out at a lesbian gathering last Friday night and my friends asked, “Okay, so now what? You’re here among gorgeous women–what’s the next move?” Laughing at them was my next move. I ain’t got no moves. I’m that girl who simply hopes to be in the right place at the right time to meet just that perfectly charming and funny person who finds me also charming and funny. I don’t know if it happens like that anymore, what with all the online dating and such, but I’m hoping for the “fall into my lap” kinda’ love (literally and/or metaphorically).

So until someone falls into my lap or I change my tactic from defense to offense, I’ll focus my thoughts on gratitude for my friends. I’m positively surrounded by amazing people and I’m grateful for every one. Happy Valentine’s Day, friend (’cause if you’re reading this, you’re a friend!). Thank you for the contribution you are to my life. XOXO.

Rebecca and I broke up just over two years ago after having been together for 9+ years. “9+” = “there were a couple little separations in there that make true calculations not worth the brain power.”

I’m 35 and most of my relationship history is wrapped up in this one partnership. Rebecca and I met at a publishing company in Colorado: she was in marketing, I was in editing. I referred to her as “my girlfriend” immediately upon meeting her, though it took many months to make that proclamation true. We had the most important thing in common that two people can share: a love of reading. Some of my best memories are of Rebecca reading to me on long road trips or reading me to sleep at night. We also shared a love of animals, a love of dry humor (her jokes were rarely caught by others, which made them even funnier to us), and a love of constant learning and personal growth. We pinged and ponged off of each other over the years, sometimes the supporter, sometimes the supported. We could spend days together and not get sick of each other, always finding something interesting to talk about. We could make the house spotless for parties without even a word exchanged—we both knew what needed to be done and who liked to do which chores, and we always pulled it off, no matter how short our timeline. We were a great team.

Sounds great, right? What happened? Life happened. Growth happened. Doubt happened. Resentments and hurts built up. “Shoulds” happened. Here’s the math:

“Shoulds” = killers of fun

Relationship – fun = doomed

Once the writing was clearly on the wall that we needed to do something drastic one way or the other, we chose “end it” (after having tried “ignore it,” “force it,” “surrender to it,” “meditate on it,” and “talk it to death”).

So that’s a little background. In my next post I’ll get into the meat of how we split up and loved each other through it step by step.