My Dysfunctional On-Again / Off-Again Relationship

I called my friend Michelle early this morning (called, not texted). This is unusual behavior for me so she immediately had a bit of concerned confusion in her voice: “What’s up?” Me: “Well, I’m having a bit of a crisis.” Michelle: “Yeah, what’s that?” Me: “It’s about my mattress.”

You see, I have this inkling every now and again to get rid of my mattress (the last time I failed was about a year and a half ago). I think it’s partly the influence of the brilliant marketers on the radio telling me that I should have tossed it four years ago when it reached the elderly age of 8. It may also have something to do with the fact that I shared this mattress with my ex-wife (who I like, but, well, you know, it could still have “ex” energy—including a couple nights with Cruela!—despite multiple smudging attempts). I also just generally enjoy getting rid of things, to keep the energy fresh and invite in the new.

About a week ago an attorney I work for said she was selling her condo and had a queen mattress and box spring to sell (slept on only about 20 times). I knew for sure I needed a box spring. Mine was a creaky old man, keeping me up at night with his complaining. Maybe box springs age faster than mattresses? So yesterday my sweet, sweet, sweet nephew met me after school with his pickup truck to help me load, transport, and then unload my new mattress.

Upon arriving home, nephew and I were met with the additional help of my handsome and strong neighbor, Ben—most likely at the insistence of his gorgeous wife, Roxy. He not only helped with heavy lifting, but he drilled new holes into my headboard so that the new frame could attach to it, allowing me to keep the headboard but be able to ditch the footboard. It’s a small change that makes my small bedroom feel much bigger.

So great, right? All went smoothly and easily…why the need for a blog post? Well…yeah. That’s because I woke up at 4:30 this morning—BEFORE the sun was even up!—feeling like I’d been body slammed against concrete all night. I immediately flew into an anxiety attack and yearned for my old mattress. I even got up, no joke, and peered out into the night to see it forlornly abandoned by my back fence. Oh how I longed for it!

I returned to bed with a sense of pure dread about having to lie down again—though I sure as hell didn’t want to be awake for the day yet. Then I got a flash of inspiration and realized I should switch to a bulkier pillow. It worked! It felt like my head was on a cloud and I immediately fell into a deep dream-filled sleep and woke up a couple hours later feeling a bit more rested, though still sore.

Now, mind you, the woman who sold me the mattress warned me that it’s hard. In preparation I ordered a mattress topper, which is set to arrive Monday. But then I got to thinking, “Is it stupid to get rid of a SUPER comfortable mattress that I already own, to instead use a mattress that’s too firm and needs to be supplemented with padding to make it comfortable?” And then I thought again of my lonely mattress in the back yard and I got sad. And then I felt silly for anthropomorphizing a MATTRESS.

So then I called Michelle because I just wasn’t sure what to do. She agreed it might not be horrible to bring my old one back into the house to give me more time to decide. So I put shoes on and asked my neighbor Roxy if she’d help me haul it back into my house. She very wisely said, “I think you should let it snow on your mattress. It’s time to move on. Let it go.” To which my eyes teared up and I turned away before she could see me crying about a MATTRESS (which never works—she totally knew I was crying). So then I got dressed and fretted a bit more and made a pathetic attempt at getting quiet so I could listen to my heart. And then I walked my ass into the back yard, threw the mattress over my back, and hauled it BY MYSELF back into my bedroom. To get it out of the way of the animals, I tossed it on top of my new mattress, like so:


Sofie thought this was great fun. Here she is frolicking like the joyful creature she is. Chester found it to be a curious-yet-comfortable choice.

Now here’s a picture of how I’m going to sleep tonight:


Princess and the Pea, baby!! Two mattresses and one fine strong box spring! I’ll put a chair at the foot of the bed so the pups can jump up. Until I figure out how to proceed, this’ll work just fine.

What object in your home do you have an odd relationship with? Please tell me I’m not alone here!


2 thoughts on “My Dysfunctional On-Again / Off-Again Relationship

  1. OMG, this cracked me up! I can just picture you atop TWO freakin’ mattresses when you go to sleep tonight. You’ll sleep like a rock, I’m sure. Let’s see… what could I not part with in my house? Definitely not the piano… nor the pool table. Yup, they are probably never going away. And if I ever get desperate for space, I could throw a mattress on TOP of the pool table and sleep there:)

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