Well then…that weight loss effort turned out as it usually does for me—I lost a good amount (20 pounds-ish) and since about mid-December have been eating nothing but crap and gaining it all back as quickly as I can. What’s right about this that I’m not getting?
The issue of weight loss is so muddled in my brain that it’s hard for me to write about. Pulling out just one thread of a thought is almost impossible because it’s inevitably knotted up with a dozen others. It’s like when my dogs meet another dog on a walk and the leashes get all tangled and then wrapped around me three times. If only my mind knot were as easy to untangle as leashes… Or is that the wrong approach? I’m such a “figure it out” kinda’ girl—and obviously that’s working for me, right?
The question I typically come back to is: “Wait, why am I doing this? For whom am I losing this weight?” As you might guess, I’m never losing it for myself simply because I desire to—I actually can’t conceive of that. Typically it’s something more like, “Well, once I lose weight I can buy cute clothes and then I can start going out in public and maybe even dating (subtext: “‘Cause why would anyone want to date me the way I look now?”). Intellectually I get that this is ridiculous on so many levels. A) I could go buy cute clothes now. B) I could start going out in public now. C) I could start dating now (there are people who like the curvy girls). My intellect, unfortunately, is not in charge of this issue.
And if the topic of weight loss has my mind tied up in knots, you should see what the concept of dating does to my mind! I’m the girl who falls for all her straight girlfriends if that gives you any clues. They have no interest in dating me. Weird, right? So last week I actually went out among lesbians. It went pretty well. I found a girl I’m magnetically attracted to (translation: “Erin, stay the f*ck away! Danger! Danger!”) and I had a hard time keeping my hands to myself. In just a few days (and an outdoor adventure that almost killed me), the dust has settled and it looks like I have a new friend. But at least she plays on my team, right? That’s progress, isn’t it?
Being with her that night reminded me of the way it feels when being with someone is just natural and not horribly awkward and torturous. It gave me hope.
So here’s to hope. And to more consistent blog posts.