Transcending the Illusion of Adulthood

I turn 39 next week. Do you know why that’s crazy? That’s crazy because I feel NOT A BIT different than when I was in my early 20s. I’m still me, looking out the same two eyeballs, and I’m fairly convinced that this age business is the best trick of the matrix.

Sure, becoming an adult hopefully comes with emotional, mental, and spiritual growth. We get jobs and places to live and cars and we have friendships and intimate relationships…and for some of us, shit gets serious. We give tremendous meaning to things like marriage and acquiring possessions and climbing the corporate ladder/making enough money to support our basic needs. We get buried under the tedium of shoulds and have tos.

I’ve learned from observing myself that if I’m not vigilantly choosing joy, my spirit can lose its light and life can become dull and tedious.

It’s often at the very times when things are lifeless and dull that a little miracle happens and everything gets bright again. Like last night. I was at the bar supporting the re-election of a smart and motivated city councilwoman when a beautiful woman came over and asked if anyone would like to play pool. My immediate inclination was to say “No” but then time stopped for a second (like is does when I need to become aware of something important) and I realized that the better choice was to say, “Yes…yes, I would love to play pool.” And it’s those little moments of saying yes that can change everything.

I ended up having an outrageously fun evening of being drawn into the fold of three flight attendants who were laying over in Denver for the night. One from Chicago, one from Dallas/Fort Worth, and one from Puerto Rico–they barely knew each other, yet there was a camaraderie that was undeniable. And you know what it reminded me of? Being a kid. You can set two kids down near each other or put them on the same jungle gym and in no time they will become friends. When are adults going to get over themselves and realize that they are still those same kids who could literally become friends with ANY OTHER KID?

Last night, having three instantaneous new playmates on the adult playground (aka bar) reminded me how fun life really is. We spend so much of childhood imitating our parents and pretending to be adults–dreaming of having a house and a car and a job and someone to smooch and welcome home at the end of the day. And then we finally have all those things…and they seem to come at the expense of being able to appreciate them. They come with the stress of paying for everything, maintaining everything, checking off long lists of to-dos…and the joy gets sucked up into our overpriced Dyson vacuum cleaners.

I remember as a kid wanting so badly to be able to drive a car. I acted out the shifting of the gears and I made noises that mimicked the sound of a car. Then as an adult, driving lost its glow a bit and I started to complain about traffic and potholes. But in another instance of the small miracles that can change everything, one afternoon I experienced a time-stopping moment with my friend Michelle. We had been at a function at her daughter’s school and we were driving separately to a coffee shop afterward.

When I pulled into the parking spot beside Michelle’s car (somewhat dramatically because I was being silly) and waved over to her, I was overcome with pure joy as I realized that my dream had come true! Michelle and I were grown ups, each driving a car, about to enjoy the adult treat of coffee that we would purchase with money we earned. It’s hard to describe how profound this moment was for me. It was like my adult reality folded onto my child reality and I was able to see my adult self through the eyes of the little Erin who yearned so badly to be able to drive a real car and pull it into a parking space next to my bestie (like all the times I’d played out that scenario on my Big Wheel).

So here’s to the grown-up kids of the world and to the small miracles, the glitches in the matrix, that incite joy and gratitude and reignite soul lights. And here’s to friends…new and old…because, really, what would life be without them?

“My Spiritual Near-Death Experience” or “That Time My Light Was Nearly Snuffed Out”

Her hand drew circle after circle after circle in the air above my sternum. Until this moment, she’d progressed fairly quickly and easily from one part of my body to the next. She seemed to be doing an energetic diagnostic to identify areas needing help. I was lying comfortably, not paying much attention to what she was doing. I enjoy receiving energy work; typically it sends my mind off into the stratosphere, leaving my energetic and physical bodies to soak in whatever they require. This was my first visit to Ariel and I was thrilled to be on her table finally.

I first caught wind of this healer about two or three years ago. In its kind and gentle way, the universe was YELLING at me to go see her. One night my friend Maureen told me about Ariel and gave me her business card, distinctive with its black background and blue curved grid lines. Then the next night I went to visit my friend Joey and she had Ariel’s card on her living room table. When I asked about it, she explained that she was planning to do a little tag-team experiment with Ariel in which she would channel information while Ariel was giving energy healings. Then within that same week yet another person mentioned Ariel to me! I went from having never heard of this woman to hearing about her three times in one week! That is how the universe yells.

At that time, however, I didn’t have two pennies to rub together, which meant I couldn’t go see her. It would be years before I had the money to see her, so Ariel fell off my radar until a couple months ago when I was in the throes of my “I must hate myself” inner dialogue. A visit to Ariel seemed just the thing to do. Got self-hatred? Go see Ariel!

So…I’m halfway through the wormhole and about to enter a parallel universe when Ariel starts tapping my sternum gently and then continues her circular sweeping motion in the air above my chest. By this point, she’s been there a while. She says, “What I’m doing here is clearing away the energetic dust and debris from atop your soul light…but I’m having a hard time finding your soul light.” This jerks me back into my body because I can hear the concern in her voice. “Your soul light is dangerously low.”

“Oh wait! There it is–I can see it now! Oh but…” Oh no. First she’s concerned because she can’t find it and now there’s an “Oh but…” And then I hear what one doesn’t ever want to hear: [with deep fascination in her voice] “In my 18 years of doing this work, I’ve never seen this.” [Pause that was probably two seconds but felt like 5 minutes.]

“You have a tear in your soul light.”

I have a tear in my soul light. My soul light somehow got torn. “Umm, what might cause that to happen?” I ask. She’s not sure but asks whether I’ve had a near-death experience or tried to kill myself. No and no. And then she says, “And you don’t just have one tear…you have two. One is at 12 o’clock and the other is at 2 o’clock.” I’m not sure at this point if I’m looking at Ariel with my physical eyes or if I’m standing outside my body near my head observing her, but all of the sudden she makes a sharp whooshing sound with her breath at the same time she forcefully whooshes something away with her hand. “I know what that was! That was an entity and it was in your soul light. That was the second tear.” And then she stands far back from me and starts working furiously with her guides and mine to commence the healing of my light.

As part of her intake she’d asked me why I had come to see her. I explained that I was fairly certain that I hated myself but I wasn’t sure why and I couldn’t seem to shake it. Upon the discovery of my twice-torn soul light she asked how long I thought I’d hated myself. My mind flashed back 5 years, 10 year, 15 years…all the way back…looking for a time when I didn’t hate myself. Hmmm. “I think it goes way back. I can’t remember a time when I didn’t.” She said, “Yeah, that seemed quite old, that tear.”

I think I’ve done a good job of not over-analyzing this thing to death. I don’t know why it was torn. I hope the entity is gone. I know that Ariel, with a team of highly qualified guides, took care of mending my light. The interesting part, and what I could tell Ariel hoped I would focus on, was, “What now?”

[to be continued…]